Transparency

I warn you right now the following words come from a very very vulnerable place in my heart. An honest place that is very transparent. I usually write with humor and this post will be one full of truth, pain and freedom. Bear with me because I may go off on tangents. Here I go.

For a while now I have felt a daily, hourly, minute by minute struggle between my flesh and my spirit. Matthew 26:41 tells us to "Watch and pray that you may not fall into tempation. The spirit is indeed willing but the flesh is so weak." And how true this verse is. While I may not have been purposefully seeking tempation I was not doing much to guard against it. And while it does not matter, it was not temptation in the form of alcohol or drugs or sexual sin but one of pride, a haughty heart, jealousy, insecurities, anger, and pain. Listening to Lauren Chandler speak on God's steadfast Love it has made the battle inside me that much stronger. I was not able to go to the conference but have been listening to it on podcast each morning when I wake up. This morning on the way to work as I was listening to the talk on hurts, hang ups and habits it literally took all my willpower not to turn it off and block it out of my mind! I have been praying daily that the Lord would show me where I am weak and the idols that I am holding on to. For that last 6 months I have prayed daily over Psalm 139:23-24 "Search me, O God, and know my heart! Try me and know my thoughts! And see if there be any grievous way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting!" Yet even as he would bring things in my heart to the forefront I would push them back. The pain, the shame, the anger was too much to bear. But at the same time the Lord did something miraculous. As he was correcting me and disciplining me, sending me to the desert, through his steadfast love he would whisper into my ear. " My daughter, my love, come to me and find rest. You have been running for so long, your facade can only last so long, fall into my arms and let me heal you." Matthew 11:28-30 Was always on my mind: 28 “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. 29 Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. 30 For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.” But even though I knew the truth in my mind I continued to run. I continued to bury my pain deeper and deeper. I continued to say, No Lord if I just do this, or fix this or say this then it will all be corrected But No, it was not corrected, I was constantly trying to fix something that was broken with one of Evie's Dora Bandaids. And for a while it would be okay, but then my marriage would get bad, or my anger would boil up when I got stressed or I would be CONSUMED and I mean consumed with working out, a past time that is such a stress relief for me, thinking that if I would just work out somehow this stress, this battle, this struggle would go away. I was searching for things to cover up the fact that I was inadequate and that the show I was putting on at times was just that, a show. But the Lord saw it all, he saw right through it.

Today in the car I broke down, it became so clear to me and the truth that I know became real. "We have all sinned and fallen short of the glory of God" (Romans 3:23) , but God showed his love for us in that while we were still sinners Christ died for us" ( Romans 5:8) There is no way to be perfect, no way to act a certain way. Its alright to be inadequate, we will never be made whole until we go home to see Him. My works and my actions are nothing without a foundation of faith in Christ as my savior. My savior from my hang ups, hurts, and habits. He had brought me to the desert and leaves me there even now so that I can see that my idols in my life are consuming me. Things that he had given me a passion and love for became more like a life line, my identity, not something that I could give him glory through. They became my life.
But taken away, who am I? If I am stripped of everything, what am I? To whom do I belong? To my God, my daddy, my savior, my Lord. Whose steadfast love is never ending and all consuming. What a blessing that is!

Even as I write this, its still going to be a journey. There are still going to be battles that need to be fought and idols that need to be put down. But its okay. I am saved and loved and I AM HIS! So today I write this, I spill my heart, I tell you of my hang ups for this reason. I am not bound by them, I am not defined by them but I am being set FREE! I hold on to the promise found in Phillipians 1:6 " And I am sure of this, that he who began a good work in you will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ". Its called progressive sanctification for a reason. It may not be at my pace but I am finding joy in the journey and while its painful my pain, my weakness is rooted in his strength. 2 Corinthians 12:9 " But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me."

I hope that my honesty, my transparency helped someone. I dont want anything that was written today to be of me but of the Lord speaking through me. Thank you for taking time to listen to the cry of my heart.