Uniquely Barksdale

So let me paint the scene for you. Young mom ( yes, thats me even if I did just turn 28, thats still young right?), a 2 1/2 year old with the energy of track star and the mannerisms of a bull in a china shop and then a young 4 month old baby who just likes to sit and coo and smile. Add a busy grocery store filled with a lot of people with one thing on their mind, and sprinkle in a couple of people who are obviously not in the Christmas spirit if you know what I mean. If there had been a before and after shot it would have looked like this. On the left side you would have a mom who knows better in blue jeans, navy shirt with no stains, pony tail and mascara on and on the right, blue jeans now have a wet spot from a potty "accident", mascara on the right eye smeared from tears spilled over a run in with the cart, smudges on the shirt, a mess of hair that is now a poor excuse for a pony tail.   This may seem like an average outing for a mom of two but there is something about this experience that is uniquely Barksdale. If you know anything about our family you know that every outing, or every day for that matter is an experience in itself and just, uniquely Barksdale.
       What I mean by uniquely Barksdale is that things are always a little more exciting when one of our family members is around.   Let me explain. The Lord is so good and has blessed us with a young, strong willed girl who has the bluest eyes that sparkle and a head of very blonde hair that on an average day drapes down to her shoulders, with bangs that have a wave to them that never really sit right and  a "rats nest" in the back that forms every time she sleeps. This two year old has a scar smack dab in the middle of her forehead that speaks of an incident where she fought a coffee table and obviously lost.
(something tells me she will have many more of these throughout her lifetime) The Lord is so good and has blessed us with a little girl who loves life, loves her mommy and daddy and her Bubba  and really loves everyone for that matter. She likes to talk to anyone and everyone and share and pass on her joy for life. Today was no different.

       Today was uniquely Barksdale, uniquely Evie. I should have known it would be a long trip when after 30 minutes in the store I only had 2 of the 5 items on my list. I also had an additional  4-5 other items including but not limited to mens aftershave, a pink balloon that said, "Happy Hanukah",  a can of beans and a gift bag that had been "picked" up as we strolled around.  I was so sure I was going to make this an in and out trip and that we would have no problems but I usually like to lie to myself so that I can stay positive. I am learning that my mindset and  thoughts are very powerful , so why not keep it positive? :)
     It started off pretty good, Frozen green beans? Check! Purple balloons? Check! But wait, something wasnt right, the weight in the cart had shifted and when I peered around Hudson's car seat I found my ray of sunshine sharing her joy with the world. Let me explain a little further. Evie had fixed herself in the front of the shopping cart car ( the ones at Kroger that are supposed to keep the kids occupied, obviously it doesn't do much for my child)  like a hood ornament and was hanging out waving to anyone  and everyone and telling them hello and if they didn't respond she would talk louder and say hello again, even louder and then add in an occasional "Merry Christmas" and top if off with a high five. Don't worry, she only scared a couple elderly people and made quite a few smile.   "I am truly blessed", I thought, "I have a beautiful girl who loves life, loves people and wants to share that." I should have held   onto that fact as the shopping experience went on.
    What happened next was stealth like. All of a sudden she was next to me, without shoes on mind you, and she was saying, " Mommy, im a big girl BUT I just went potty in the car!" She looked so embarrassed and I knew this was not a time to reprimand but to love. So what did I do? What any smart, quick thinking mom would do. I got my handy dandy wipes, cleaned up the mess and once I had assessed her "situation" and noticed there was only a small wet spot I got one of Hudson's diapers and stuffed it in her pants. Talk about some baby junk in the trunk. Before you go and freak out about me not changing her, know that she was like Houdini and her diaper wasn't even wet but she had still gone potty... don't ask me how it happened Im still trying to figure it out. ( and no it wasnt in there before. I checked and wiped it out before she got in, but I digress). After I got that "situation" under control and she had shown a couple people her extra padding we walked on to get the 3rd thing on the list, Rolos. The candy aisle was our next stop. As I wheeled my way through the aisle with my oversized load, if you have ever tried to steer one of those shopping carts you know what Im talking about, I spotted the Rolos at the same time Evie spotted the M&Ms. I told her she could not have any candy and asked her to stay in the car. Thinking I had it covered I went around the other side to pick up the bag of chocolates. Noticing there were some snickers coming from a couple next to us, I turned around to see  Evie's lower half was hanging out of the car  and she was trying to pick up the package of candy with her feet!!! As I stood in disbelief, Evie  looked up at me and proudly said " look mom, I'm still in the car!"  As I tried to maneuver between the display of pumpkin pies and my cart to put back up the candy my "footloose" child had gotten off the shelf,I ran smack dab into the car door and hit the snot out of my knee.  I thought to myself, " Lord give me the strength. I just want to finish shopping with out any more stress  or any more incidents". By this point my I know I was looking tired, and the throbbing in my knee that was turning into a limp was getting old. But there was a light at the end of the tunnel. I had gotten items 1-4  and I had one left, Hudson's nose spray. Off we went to the pharmacy. Along the way we picked up about 10 other items and had to put back about half of those. Once we made it to the other end of the store I stopped the cart to get the nose spray. When I looked down I had to laugh to keep from crying. It looked as though my daughter was about to start a her own drug ring with the huge "stash" she had just accumulated. We had antacids, cold and flu remedies, a pair of glasses, you name it, if it was on the bottom shelf it was in the cart. " Lord give me strength", I muttered. After putting back the "stash" and having to explain why we dont have to take everything from the bottom shelf my beautiful girl put her hands on my face and said, "Mommy! You are the best!" And kissed me.
" Lord, thank you for the strength, thank you for the blessing that is so uniquely Evie"
And that was it, I had my 5 items plus around 20 more and all under an hour and a half but I also had one more thing, a lesson learned. You see the Lord has given me so much. So much more than I deserve.  He has given me a beautiful daughter whose name means "life". And a beautiful daughter who loves life and wants to share it with others. And that is when it hit me. He has also given me a Savior who gave me life, who wanted me to have abundant life and wanted me to share it with others. You see it doesnt matter who we were, who we are or who we are going to be. It doesnt matter if you have a banged up life or a "stash" of stuff you are trying to hide, or "extras" you had picked up over the years. He knows about them and He loves you anyway.  He loves us, and he has sent his Son who died for us, despite us. He is life and he wants us to have life in Him. So my beautiful Evlyn Grace daily reminds me that she is uniquely her, created by a Savior who fashioned her to be uniquely Evie. With her image created by him and in him, with her personality formed by Him and with her energy and curiosity given to her by Him. And everytime she looks at me with those sparkling blue eyes that light up when she smiles and grabs my face and gives me sweet kisses, I hear him telling me, " I love you my child, Im proud of you, You are the best. And despite your "stash", your "extras", your "bang ups", "limps and pains". I love you and have created you to be uniquely you."
What a great lesson to learn and to remember.

Unsuccessfully self reliant to reliant upon HIM

If there is one thing I’m good at its being unsuccessfully self reliant. I mean I’m so good at it that if given the chance I could win a gold medal. The course that I would have to run would just be a replay of my life and all that I’ve gone through and attempted to govern and rule on my own. There would be some pits, some hills, mountains and valleys and by the end of it I would be covered in dirt, mud, grime and defeat would be the medal I would wear around my neck.... so why do I sign myself up for this? I mean if anyone knows me they probably know that I LOVE to work out and that I run almost every day but is this really a fitness exercise I want to conquer or train for? Why do I continually enter this race just to be the winner of the WORST marathon ever? Why am I not CONTINUALLY "running with perseverance the race marked out for us, fixing our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of faith." ( Hebrews 12)? I am continually putting my hope in things of this world that will fail. I know this and yet I find myself racing after them, trying to fix things, manipulate things and make them work to my advantage. Again let me repeat, I am a gold medal winner in "unsuccessful self reliance". Has 28 years of cuts, scrapes and bruises not taught me anything? Well yes it has taught me something. That my hope is to be in Christ. The pioneer and perfector of faith, my sweet Lord who knew that I would continue to fall and yet still loves me and pursues me. Sweet Christ, my Savior who, as he hung on that cross, hung there as my sins, my mess ups, my self reliance, my pride were the nails that kept him up there. Wow how undeserving am I of this? And yet his salvation is freely given DESPITE me. And yet I am continually trying to be in charge of my life and win the prize daily for the marathon from H-E- double hockey sticks...

At church we are going through an Advent series of devotionals each week. Something that the Lord laid on my heart, a question that hit me right in the heart and was reinforced by a sweet friend last night was where I am putting my hope? And it was compounded by the fact that the Lord ALWAYS PROVIDES. The Lord is a promise-making and promise-keeping God. While reading through Genesis 22 it talks about the promises of the Lord and those made to Abraham. Abraham had his hope placed in the Lord, nothing came above that, the Lord was all he needed.  The Lord will provide, the Lord does provide.... why do I forget this? What good thing would the Father withhold from uys if He has given us His only Son? Knowing this why do I run to the next fix, the next person, relationship, event, product, to fill the void that only he can fill? Ecclesiastes tells us that he has placed eternity in the hearts of men. So i will never be fully satisfied until I am in glory with him. So as life twists and turns what is my life saving device? What keeps me afloat? What is my hope anchored in? My God, my Savior, my promise-keeping God whose time table is so much better than mine. I was reading the other day that our lives can be explained like this, " as a person who has their nose pressed up against a stain glass window. From their point of view all that can be  seen are blurry images and splashes of color. But the Lord views and leads our lives looking at the entire stain glass window that is full of grace, beauty, pictures and color. So again the Holy Spirit whispers, " Follow, place your hope in the Lord, he sees the beauty, the vision the plan,.Abide, follow" And my response? "Oh no Lord, you see I’ve got it all figured out, I can only see right in front of me and I really enjoy running this brutal race but don’t worry, I can figure it out." All this as I fall, fumble, stumble, and face plant through the obstacles of life.... Spoken by a true gold medal winner.

Here is something I’m finding though, as doors open and close, as seasons come and life moves on, He is working, He is always working. He always keeps his promises, and He always keeps them perfectly. It says in our devotional that trust in these facts changes the way we endure seasons of waiting. We can know that God uses times of waiting to increase and strengthen our belief, longing and boldness of our asking. So what if as I start to let go, place my hope in Him become successfully reliant upon Him and wait? Then I will see that he is working and he is keeping his promises. All around me He is guiding my path, he is walking me through this marathon of life, he is what I race after. And that my fellow racers, my friends who are beat up and bruised, that is a race worth training for and worth running daily!

my vision

I’ve been using Advocare products for almost 10 years now, off and on. Yes, I got weight loss, yes I got energy. This is the first time, though, when I should be dead tired and unable to move, unable to function, with a 2 1/2 year old, a 2 month old ,a full time job and calling to be a full time mom and wife, that I feel healthy and energetic and my body is changing and toning up and losing weight. If I can get everyone to feel this way, the rest will be history. This product represents hope and a future. It’s going to allow me to stay home one day, help me to be a good steward of my time, money and body. And allow me to spread a message that needs to be heard. I feel lucky that I have been allowed to see and have a vision, a passion, a purpose that will change the world, one heart, one body, one soul at a time. You see I am not here to sell a product, it’s not about the sale but the soul, I’m here to share vision, share passion and share a message of HOPE.




A vision seems so clear at times. A calling that you hear, that you feel with every fiber of your body. That is the Lord grabbing you and saying, “ get ready, my faithful servant, get ready, prepare yourself for this journey, draw close to me. I have given you this vision , allowed you to see part of what I have in store. I have allowed you to hear from me. NOW TRUST, step out in faith, take action and allow me to lead. It’s not going to be easy, there are going to be ups and downs but the one constant, powerful, never ending promise in this is ME. Listen, search, call out, follow, act....”



What is your purpose? To bring him glory in all you do and say and think. Are you taking care of the things that from all of this flows? Your body, your heart, your mind, your temple! Getting those things healthy allows you to be used in ways you may have never imagined. Oh but the awesome thing is that the Lord imagined it, he planned it that way! He has it stored up and ready and his purpose will prevail. It’s going to happen with or without you, so prepare. Don’t let fear hold you back. What are you doing, what lies are you listening to that are holding you back from following, from taking action?



You see I serve a mighty God that is higher and mightier, more beautiful and worthy of praise than anyone or anything else out there. And this is who I am to listen to, to follow, to love and worship. I’m not to worship, love or exalt man, who in Matthew 10:28 it tells us, “do not fear those who kill the body but cannot kill the soul. But rather fear Him who is able to destroy both soul and body in hell. And in Isaiah 2:22 it tells us, “ Stop regarding man in whose nostrils is breath, for of what account is he?” When it comes to Advocare IF I allow others comments of “oh it’s just a pyramid scheme”, or “oh that won’t last”, or “you want me to pay that much for that?!” get me down or if I don’t act or share because of a fear of what people think or say because they may not yet understand. Then I am giving in and the enemy is winning. How about you? How about your calling? How can you not share what the Lord is doing in your heart and in your body? This is matter of life and death on so many levels and we are called to share what he has given us, shared with us, saved us from with everybody through the ends of the earth.



Advocare is providing me and providing others with an outlet to share and love on people through this vision, through this message. Oh don’t get me wrong my friend, the journey is long, the going will be tough, but when it gets tough if my vision, my purpose, my calling is there and I am focused on Him and I see and hear the calling and the goal he has set in my life, then I will be able to push forward. IF the realization he has awoken in my heart, the call to bring him glory through this product, this opportunity, this passion is something that is buried deep inside who I am and what I believe then trust that I will be able to stay the course a lot easier.

In my Christian walk I am called to persevere. Hebrews 12:1-2 says Therefore we also, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us lay aside every weight, and the sin which so easily ensnares us, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, looking unto JESUS, the author and finisher of our faith who for the joy that was set before HIM endured the cross, despising the shame, and has sat down at the right hand of the throne of GOD.



You see I am not working towards an earthly prize, I’m not striving to get the next new car, the next big house. Those things may come and they may not but I am called to run the race, with endurance, to be more like him, be conformed in his image and share what we know, despite how it turns out. (Great thing about Advocare is that these things can come and turn out that way :))



What do I know? I know I have found freedom in my life in many ways. First, freedom from bondage of sin, freedom from a world that wants to hold me down, hold me back, freedom from Satan who wants me to wallow in my sin and not move. But friend, I’m a mover and a shaker. I walk daily in a world that is being and has been ravaged by sin. But I offer a message of hope that the battle has been won. I walk in victory, my God has won the battle and he’s coming back one day. I am going to share that message, that He is the only way, he is the only true thing he is freedom I seek. Without him nothing else matters. What else do I know? I know that Advocare is a company, a product, a way of life that God is working through, that has allowed people to find freedom from debt, stresses in their lives, freedom from the prison that was their body, and has offered and is offering hope. A hope that you can feel healthy, a hope that you can have energy, a hope that you can spend more quality time with your family, a hope that you can lose the weight that is holding you back. It’s a product that has and is continuing to change lives, offering hope and spreading the message of freedom. The great thing is that it’s all based on the foundation of the ONE who is FREEDOM and who does offer hope, and that is how it should be.

What is your vision? What is your purpose? Step out in faith today and see how he is moving.

Go with the flow?

Today as I left for school I was in a rush, we now START school at 7:30 and I like to get there around 30-45 minutes early so my ETA is around 645. This means i need to leave the house around 630 and I need to get up around 5. The time was 631, (" Darn its already late", i thought), the place was the living room, those involved, Hudson and myself, the issue.... a major pee and spit up situation. Put all these together and you get a messy mom, a now happy baby boy and a clock that is not very forgiving. So how do I compromise? How do I go with the flow? I improvise of course! If you know anything about parenting ( still learning, but I have picked up a couple pointers here and there) you know that you need to be able to change plans at a moments notice, not get very attached to certain "looks" or objects and learn how to think on your feet! My plan? Change out of my jeans that I just washed and finally fit back into post baby and change into...drumroll please.... maternity pants that I had in the back of my car ready to give to a friend expecting in January. How do you fit you may ask? How did i fashion this new look since I dont have what I use to that would fill it out? I also found my belly band ( look it up if you dont know what im takling about ) and folded down the orgininal band on the pants and covered it up with my other belly band. I am pretty much banded out now! I was so proud of myself and not to mention pretty comfortable in my loser-fitting, spit up and pee- free clothing:) I was going with the flow. But as I was riding to school I was praying and thinking and if im being honest patting myself on the back for being so quick to change and bend with what the world had thrown at me this morning and it hit me. Yes I prided myself on being able to go with the flow and bend at a moments notice but in my christian walk I am called to something completely different. I am called to stand firm in my devotion to the Lord and all I am called to be as a follower of Christ. I am to stay obedient to his calling and his direction. How often though do I "go with the flow", bend at a moments notice so as not to cause a problem or have to deal with the uncomfortable situation put upon me? While it may not seem like the same thing, we daily are getting "spit up " upon by the world and the way it sees things and the standards that it lives by and while it may be more comfortable to walk around in our "clean" and "acceptable" outfit by the worlds standards, is that what we have been called to? The great thing though is that we have a High Priest that as Hebrews 4:15 says sympathizes with us. He has been tested and has proven himself sinless. He has won the battle, he has beaten the "spit up" of the world and overcome it. We walk in a battle already won at the cross. And our example of Christ is one that shows devotion to the Lords calling as he did on giving his life on the cross. He knows we are going to have rough mornings and times when it isnt fun to be uncomfortable or "dirty" by the worlds standards but if we stay true and steadfast the outcome is so much better and more than we can imagine. So i challenge you to stay obedient, dont go with the flow so easily and really dive into what you have been hearing him tell you and follow. Its awesome to see how the Lord uses the weak, the "dirty" those covered in "spit up" and much more to accomplish his purpose and bring him glory!

Love yall all

I am the poster child for "MOTHERS OF TWO"!

So we are almost at the one month mark of Hudson James' birth!! Its been so exciting so far. Its also been tiring at times. Its crazy for me to sit down here and think the Lord has blessed me with the awesome responsibility of raising these two beautiful, wonderful kids! As I sit here I have been thinking of what the last month has entailed and wonder what is to come. I know what to expect up to age two for a girl. But now I have a boy, how different or similar will it be? i find myself laughing alot because what I have encountered up to this point could be part of a TV comedy series and definitely has me as the new Poster Child for the campaign " MOTHERS OF TWO". Go ahead, get a cup of your favorite Joe, curl up and enjoy the following events as they have played out in my house since August 7th. And I am willing to bet there a couple of you that could star in this comedy with me.

1. On more than on occasion I have been "target practice" for my son if you know what I mean. I never gave much thought to a diaper change with Evie but now its as if I have to be on point at all times, covering ALL angles and always prepared for an attack at any time from any place. I have been a casualty of war more times than I can count and I believe my clothes and bedding have been washed more because of "battle stains" rather than just being dirty from the day :)

2. Late night feedings are never a fun experience for those involved. If you think about it, the poor baby is woken out of their deep sleep to a realization that they are starving and the only way they can let you know this is by screaming at the top of their lungs, hoping you will answer their call. Put yourself in their position. Imagine you are dreaming about your favorite boy band dancing at your 16th or 30th bday in some cases, ( NKOTB, Backstreet Boys, N'SYNC, anyone? ) when all of a sudden you start jonesin' for some food, you cant get up and get it yourself, no one understands you and all you can do is scream...frustrating huh?

And then you have the mom or dad in some cases who are awoken to the screams. The difference is that they are not in a deep sleep, they may have been in REM for a couple minutes here and there but they have become light sleepers and know that sleep is rare gift during this stage.

Last week was one such experience for me. I had finally gotten Hud down and was drifting off into a light sleep when all of a sudden he loudly announced to me that he was hungry, or maybe that his diaper was dirty, or was it that his tummy hurt? Needless to say, I got 1, yes 1 hour of sleep that night while my baby boy worked through his frustrations :) Dont feel too bad for me though, I was able to watch the entire season 1 of Basketball wives, the entire season of Heavy and started on Pysch! I now know all the drama dealing with the women of the NBA, have seen the emotional battles of those who are morbidly obese and been able to laugh at the show of a fake psychic.

3. Both of my children have been victim to what I call the "diaper switch". On more than one occasion my daughter has had to walk away with a huge wedgie and very little covered for me to realize I tried to put one of Hudsons diapers on her. ( not newborns but he 3s that I have under the changing table) And poor Hud, being MAYBE 7 lbs, he has been wrapped up or should I say "swaddled" in Evie's 5s. Poor guy. But hey at least I now know what to do if we run out of clothes for him :)

4. Some of my friends have fallen victim to the text message errors. I am usually on my game and great at texting. Sometimes I pride myself in being able to text faster than my students. Lame, I know. But since Hud has been born my text messages have gone from swift, quick, and I'd like to think witty at times, answers to incoherent ramblings of a women who has been "shot" at, is craving for sleep like a fat kid craves cake, and who is now a mother of two :) I look back at some of my text messages and if i have been able to make out a sentence at times I have cussed at people, written the exact opposite of what i actually meant or not even responded to the correct person. I want to go ahead and publicly apologize to all involved.

5. Even as I write this, I am sitting in the same clothes from yesterday, I am eating my breakfast with Evie's Dora spoon and fork because I didnt want to have to do the dishes yet and they were the only thing left and I dont think this entire week's sleep has collectively equaled a full night's

sleep yet.

But to all this I say, Bring it on! Ill be glad to smile and pose as the poster child for the "MOTHER OF TWO" campaign. You may have to wake me up a couple times, clean up the "battle scars" of diaper duty and fix my hair for me during the shoot but hey ill be there.... a proud "MOTHER OF TWO"

Clinging and Reaching

The other day I went over to my dear friends house so that we could catch up. She had gone to the Women of Faith conference and I couldnt wait to hear all about it. As she started to talk to the Lord's presence just covered me. Everything that she said was like he was standing right there beside her looking at me and saying it right to me. But of course that is what he was doing even if I couldnt see him. I love to see how He pursues me, finds me and speaks to me. Its no secret that I would love to be able to stay home with my kids more but that is not where the Lord has me right now. Its been a desire of mine for a while and today reality hit me pretty hard. For so long now I have been focusing soo much on my desires that I have given no thought to the Lord's desire or will for myself. Yes, I know that teaching is where I should be right now but I have been missing out on so much as I sulk in my present situation. I have been such a "grass is greener on the other side" type of girl that I am missing out on my voice, his calling and seeing his hand at work around me. For far too long I have been stuck in this rut. I sulk because I feel like my heart is not totally into teaching because I feel like now as a wife and mother of two I am not able to physically, mentally or emotionally give 100% to both teaching and my position at home and this kills me. So I do not know how to handle it and I take a step back and look for an out. But there isnt an out, there hasnt been one for a while. So why dont i just stop and wait and Abide in him? And there it is, there it is, that word, Abide. Websters defines Abide as " waiting for" or "bearing patiently", to "remain stable or fixed in a state" . I am here, I have been here, but one thing I am not doing well is waiting, patiently bearing, remaining stable. I am calling out and wriggling around like my two year old when she doesnt get her way. I am stomping my feet and saying Lord, help me. Show me where I should be where I should be. I know there is something you are preparing me for so why do I feel like I am in idle? And all along I have daily and I literally mean daily the Lord telling me, Abide in me. Abide in me. Not until today did I have a heart change where I could honestly ask the Lord to change my desires to line up with his will. I realized that no longer will I run in place frustrated with where I am, looking for me. I have been called to ABIDE. He has given me verses such as Proverbs 16:1-4, Proverbs 3:5-6, Proverbs 16:9, Proverbs 20:24 and lastly Psalm 37:3-5. It has taken me over a year to get to this point. To stop wiggling and stomping and say " change my heart, I am letting go, I will Abide". I will " wait". That is not to mean that its going to be easy but I am hopeful that my heart is open to the change. I even have my friend praying that the Lord would show me where I am still holding onto things and not letting the Lord have them. And here it is, probably one of the many things but its a start. :)

One other thing my sweet friend shared with me is this verse: Ecclesiastes 3:11 which says, " he has made everything beautiful in its time. Also, he has put eternity into man's heart...." So even when I know he is preparing me for something and I am looking for where I will go and where he will lead I can cling to the fact that he has set Heaven in my heart so no matter where I am, no matter where I am going i will never be fully satisfied because this is not my home. I am an alien here. Until I get home to heaven my heart will never be filled and satisfied. I must be very aware though of when I am reaching for heaven and when I am becoming anxious and not abiding. The following lyrics are from the song "Reaching" by Carolyn Arends. This song came on today during my time with the Lord and really hit home.

There’s a time I can recall
Four years old and three feet tall
Trying to touch the stars and the cookie jar
And both were out of reach
And later on in my high school
It seemed to me a little cruel
How the right words to say always seemed to stay
Just out of reach
Well I should not have thought it strange
That growing causes growing pains
‘Cause the more we learn the more we know
We don’t know anything
But still it seems a tragic fate
Living with this quiet ache
The constant strain for what remains
Just out of reach

Chorus
We are reaching for the future
We are reaching for the past
And no matter what we have we reach for more
We are desperate to discover
What is just beyond our grasp
But maybe that’s what heaven is for

There are times I can’t forget
Dressed up in my Sunday best
Trying not to squirm and to maybe learn
A bit of what the preacher preached
And later lying in the dark
I felt a stirring in my heart
And though I longed to see what could not be seen
I still believed
I guess I shouldn’t think it odd
Until we see the face of God
The yearning deep within us tells us
There’s more to come
So when we taste of the divine
It leaves us hungry every time
For one more taste of what awaits
When heaven’s gates are reached

I believe that’s what heaven is for
There’s a time I can recall
Four years old and three feet tall
Trying to touch the stars and the cookie jar
And both were out of reach

As the years go by....

So for many people today is the first day of school. Whether you are a parent, a student, teacher or even having to drive ridiculously slow through the school zones you are now fully aware that school has begun. Usually I would be with the masses, half excited, half dreading the school year. Excited because its another year doing something I love and getting to see the students that always change my life in some way. BUT dreading it because the days of summer are over and the work grind has started and my level of stress goes up a little. Ben jokes that there is a summer lauren and a school lauren. Guess which one is more stressed out :) Needless to say he loves summer lauren and Im having to work on the school lauren :)

But this year is different, things have changed. The Lord has given me time to sit back and be loved on by him. And it has come in a way I would never have imagined. Even in the business of life, he is whispering to me, "Slow down and listen". Right now as my co workers are repeating the same spill 5-6 times I am sitting here on the couch watching my baby girl dance to Backyardigans (parents will know this show) and watching my little man as he sleeps peacefully next to me! Life has changed alot. I now am a parent of two, a mother to two little blessings that always keep me on my feet. Whether it is for a 430 am feeding or to go and let Evie out of the closet she has locked herself in for the thousandth time or sitting with her reading the same story over and over again about how Elmo can go potty :) I am always going, laughing, at times crying and learning. But always on the move. But I am forced to stop every once and a while and look at where I am. Check the condition of my heart and see if I am just letting the days go by so quickly without living for Christ and dying to myself. If im being transparent, many times I have told myself, "Check yourself before you wreck yourself, Barksdale" :) I often get soo wrapped up in the day to day that I dont have time to stop and listen or look. Its amazing to me that is been 9 years since I started college, 5 years since i started teaching, 4 years of marriage, 2 years that have flown by since Evie was born and now 2 weeks that have gone by so quickly since Hudson has been born. What have I done during this time to embrace the blessings the Lord has bestowed upon me and how have i lived a life dying to myself and living for him?

I am currently reading the book, " One Thousand Gifts" by Ann Voskamp and it has me thinking and counting my gift/blessings that I have been given. Its in the little things of my days and nights that let me know I am loved and I am given daily blessings by a God that is in control. A God that knew I would be teaching and that I would be out the first six weeks of school because my second born would be here during that time. A God that knew my type A personality would have a problem with letting go of this control and not being there are the beginnig of school. A Savior that knew this would be a time that I would be forced to stop and listen and rely on the fact that He is in control ALWAYS. He knew that in order for me to sit and really take in and live in the moment I must see all the beauty around me. And I wouldnt be able to see that beauty if I was not forced to take a step back and slow down.

The beauty that I see is Him. Created, sanctioned, made by Him and I am surrounded by it. Will I stop and sit for a while, live in this? Give thanks for all I have been given over the years and day to day?

As another school year starts back up and another summer quickly becomes a distant memory of record high temperatures and the tired movements of a very pregnant girl, am I realizing and seeing the beauty and gifts around me or am I blindly searching for something to fill the void that my Creator can only fill? As I get the hang of being a mother of 2 and start back to work at the end of my maternity leave, as I file in behind the other cars slowly creeping down the street in the school zone, will I stop and see the beauty around me and in me or will I continue to let the years pass without giving thought to all that He is and all that He has given? What am I giving back? Where are the little blessings hidden in each day, each breath, each moment? Take a minute and look for them... he has flooded your life with them. Then live a life changed and enveloped in all that he is and dont let the years slip by.